Hold & Release: Reparenting My Inner Teenager
For so long, I never considered myself someone with attachment wounding. As I grew from an infant to a young child, I had two doting parents that loved me, who offered me all of the things a child could need or want.
All of the books that I’ve read about attachment wounding say that insecure attachment develops when you’re an infant, toddler, small child. I’ve also read some discussion of attachment injuries that happen in adulthood. But I’ve rarely seen mention of the attachment wounds that come in your adolescence.
The Power of Seeing Ourselves
One of my biggest wounds, and biggest triggers, is not being seen by others. When others make assumptions about me, say things about me that are untrue, or refuse to see me in my multitudes, a young part of me gets hella activated, bringing along with it my fight response who wants to defend my honour with all of the energy it can muster. It's like my Mercury in Leo ("see me, see me!" energy) and Mars in Cancer ("let me care for you in conflict by bringing the fight") have joined forces in the most intense and loving way.
Unblend & Tend: Supporting Our Parts Through Tarot
I’ve spent the last four years in trauma therapy getting to know my parts, witnessing how they show up to protect me through these old survival resources. Over the past few weeks, my parts are on a rampage, each one fighting against others for dominance. Yesterday, it was submit and attach-cry in the morning and freeze and flight in the evening. To help anchor myself, I pulled some tarot cards.
Returning to My Tender Body
I never understood how I was able to be so highly functional while living through ongoing daily trauma. For most of my life, I just figured that it was pure survival mode. I had no choice but to get good grades, raise my younger brother, care for my disabled father, work 20-40 hrs a week, and somehow have a social life. That I accomplished all of the above while struggling with drug addiction, high every day from as soon as I got to school, has not ceased to amaze me. But it wasn’t until I read Janina Fisher’s book Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma, that I understood how my brain managed these feats: structural dissociation.
My Own Fort-Da Game: Attachment, Autoimmunity, and Grief
I needed to feel chosen and I needed to replicate the experience of the loss fully. That meant that being chosen had to be followed by being discarded. For if I was truly chosen by another, then I’d have to confront all of the grief that I couldn’t yet process. I learnt to keep that grief at bay. I replicated the experience of losing my mother, of being chosen and then discarded, again and again and again. When I’d end up with boys who wanted to be with me, who told me how special I was, I’d sabotage the relationship so that the pattern would repeat.
From Power Over to Power With
I was recently in a transformative justice workshop facilitated by Rania El Mugammar and my jaw dropped when she told the group that power doesn't always have to be a bad thing. I’ve been thinking about her words these past few weeks, trying to reimagine power as something that can be generative, supportive, and healing. What I’ve recognized is that power doesn't have to take the shape of power over. We can resist the power over model and choose instead to have power with.
