Welcome to Being in the Mess
What does it mean to be in the mess?
I feel like I have spent much of my adult life sitting in messiness. Complexity. Contradictions. Ambivalence. Non-closure. I’m reminded of Walt Whitman’s words in his famous poem “Song of Myself”: “Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)”
In a world structured in binaries, it can be really hard to be in the messiness of the in-between, of the unresolved. But if I’ve learnt anything from years of therapy, it’s that being in the mess is what makes healing possible. And not just our individual healing. Being in the mess is part of healing the world that we live in.
Humans are messy creatures. We hurt one another. We cause harm. And we’re capable of accountability and repair (though we’re often struggling to figure out what that looks like). Transformative justice teaches us that this binary of good/bad people is a false one. Good people do bad things. And bad things happen to good people. How can we learn to be with that messiness? How can we support one another in the mess?
Unsurprisingly, this word nerd had to look up the etymology of the word mess, and here’s what I found:
c. 1300, "a supply or provision of food for one meal," from Old French mes "portion of food, course at dinner," from Late Latin missus "course at dinner," literally "a placing, a putting (on a table, etc.)”
Meaning "a communal eating place" (especially a military one) is attested by 1530s, from the earlier sense of "a company of persons eating together at the same table" (early 15c.), originally a group of four.
The sense of "mixed food," especially "mixed food for animals" (1738), probably is what led to the contemptuous colloquial use of mess for "a jumble, a mixed mass" (1828) and the figurative sense of "state of confusion, a situation of disorder" (1834), as well as "condition of untidiness" (1851).
late 14c., "serve up (food) in portions," from mess (n.). Intransitive meaning "to share a mess, take one's meals in company with others" is from 1701; that of "make a mess of, disorder" is by 1853. Related: Messed; messing. To mess with "interfere, get involved" is by 1903; to mess up "make a mistake, get in trouble" is from 1933 (earlier "make disorderly, make a mess of," by 1892), both originally American English colloquial.
I love when words hold so many meanings, each one of them perfect to me. Mess as a meal we share. Mess as gathering in community to nourish ourselves. Mess as disorder. Mess as making a mistake. I want all of these meanings to be present here, in “Being in the Mess.”
Each month, we’ll practice being in the mess together in a few different ways.
By engaging in dialogue in the comments of the blog posts I write.
By gathering in small groups to talk about some of the topics from the previous month’s blog posts.
By doing 1:1 work together.
By asking questions for the monthly “All the Feels: A Queer Advice Column.”
Each month I’ll share some writing that falls into a few different categories (sometimes, often, overlapping, because, well, messiness):
Soft Reflections: these posts will be reflections on the work I’ve been doing to heal from complex trauma. Often written after my therapy sessions, these posts take you on a journey with me as I unpack and explore what I’m learning about my trauma and about myself.
Hard Thoughts: these posts will be my very messy engagement with hard topics such as living our values, conflict, accountability, harm, repair, and justice, and may include interviews with other humans working through this messiness too. You may not always agree with the thoughts that I share here and that is 110% okay. Let’s be in the mess together.
All the Feels: these posts will be focused on giving advice based on your questions. Your question could be on topics ranging from emotional communication, relationships, boundaries, self-compassion, etc. Really anything that you’d like my hot take on. You can find the guidelines below for submitting your questions.
I want us to all become better at holding space for nuance, complexity, ambivalence, messiness, non-closure, and so, so many feelings. I want us to all become better at naming just how hard it is to get messy — and how rewarding it is, how healing it is, when we do.
In messiness,
Margeaux
